1. Have you ever been so heartbroken you felt physically sick?
2. I can’t sleep.
3. I think I’m going crazy.
4. The thought of you dating, marrying, fucking someone else crossed my mind today. I vomited my lunch.
5. I stay up all night in the hopes I’ll catch you online. I can’t focus. I can’t think clearly. I can’t concentrate on anything else.
6. I’m getting migraines from thinking about us too much.
7. I’m hallucinating and I’m getting anxiety attacks in the middle of the night. Worse than when I’m on a plane, worse than when a 315 km/h typhoon wrecked my country.
8. I can’t sleep I can’t sleep I can’t sleep. And in the small seconds I do from exhaustion, I wake up from nightmares about losing you, heart beating abnormally so fast, another panic attack, hyperventilation.
9. I forgot to eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner again. It doesn’t matter. I’m rarely hungry. I can barely keep anything down these days anyway.
10. Today I contemplated committing suicide for the first time in 11 months.
11. It took me 12 months to move on from you and learn to live healthier. It took you less than 24 hours to ruin all my progress.
12. Screw progress. If I had a gun right now I’d shoot myself. The pain is all too real, all too much, all too familiar. I can’t lose you again, I worked so hard to be okay, I can’t lose you again! I can’t. I can’t do it. Not again. I’ve been SO depressed for days when I thought I was finally doing better. I WANT TO DIE. The blackness is suffocating me again. One year, one year of not feeling this way, and here I am again. I don’t know how to survive this again. I barely got out alive last time. Please. I can’t lose you again. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t take it. I don’t know how.
13. I can’t breathe. I can barely function while I’m typing this. My hands are shaking.
14. I’ve been crying for three days straight. I don’t know what to do with my hands.
15. I’ve been trying not to kill myself.
16. I’ve been trying not to hurt myself.
17. I’m failing.
18. Make it stop.